We are all uniquely made in this way: that our physical bodies can remain in the present, but our minds can wander off to the future, and most of the time, the past. We are good at remembering things, but that means that we can also remember things people we love did to hurt us in the past, and we often bring that up when we intend to communicate our feelings to our partners. Feelings of past hurts can resurface and blend in with our current emotions. When anger steps into the picture, everything seems to spill out involuntarily — all the hidden bitterness, hatred, even insecurities. If we’re not careful, the emotions we try so hard to effectively communicate might just be the wrong set of emotions, taking us further and further away from the main thing. But that’s not outside of our control. There are ways to control our heart and our tongue, for the sake of the relationship, and for the sake of your lover’s hearts.
The goal of communication is to truly understand each other, to eliminate or confirm the assumptions we have about each other. One thing we should not do when trying to understand one another is to read between the lines, or putting our own thoughts and interpretation to what the other is saying, as that would be pointless if we look at the meaning of communication itself. When we’re reading between the lines, we’re actually reading our own imagination, reading things that might not even be true. And doing so just complicates our relationships.
Understanding each other starts by simply being present in the conversation.
No second guessing any words, any questions.
To understand, we need to first give all our attention into the conversation. Our minds need to be fully invested in the present, addressing the current situation, and we ultimately need to resist letting out things that have happened in the past. The aim is not to get everything out, it’s to get the problem solved. When we stay present and listen attentively to what our partners are saying, we are showing them that they are our priority, making them feel safe and respected. It is important for both of you to know that you are solving your problem out of love.
Let the past go and work on the present. Let bygones be bygones, and carry on with love.